A few years ago I wrote a letter to a fortune cookie factory in Long Island City hoping to persuade them to hire me as a fortune writer. If there is any fitting venue for my assertions and philosophies, it is certainly a small piece of paper tucked into a stale cookie. I'm also fairly certain I can pick losing lotto number combinations as well as anyone alive. The factory, though, apparently wasn't convinced by my cosmology, and never contacted me. Here was my query letter, which I recently came across:
To Whom It May Concern,
I have just finished reading the article in the most recent New Yorker magazine about Mr. Donald Lau's life as a fortune cookie fortune writer, which I enjoyed very much. I was also quite intrigued that the article mentioned you will soon advertise for a new fortune writer. As it happens, I am a writer, and I would be honored if you would consider me for the job … [I am sparing you, dear reader, a lengthy section in which I explained how I once ordered 100 fortune cookies with my name and phone number on the fortune, one of which I threw into the open car window of a young woman at a stoplight in a clumsy and, no surprise, unsuccessful attempt at wooing.]
I realize that having a deep appreciation of fortune cookies does not necessarily qualify someone for the job, so I am also including, below, ten sample fortunes. Please be aware that these fortunes were not pre-figured. Rather, I wrote them all solely for the purpose of this letter in less than a half hour. Writing on demand, I understand, will be important for the job.
SAMPLE FORTUNES:
"Technology will improve your life. Sort of."
"You will not encounter a talking dog."
"Your hair will be worried by a gust of wind, briefly."
"Soon, you will be winked at."
"Three rights is like making a left one block ago."
"The less your phone rings, the more important the ring."
"Throw a surprise party for your problems."
"The more you dance, the less you sit."
"Beware of fringe benefits that fray."
"You are a reality show worth watching."
I assure you, many more fortunes are at my fingertips. Please let me know if you would like to see my resume, or would like to speak further about the position. I very much look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
B.B.
What might have been, dear reader, what might have been.